2011

2011 will forever taste bittersweet to Aaron and I.  We accomplished so much, were blessed with so much, and lost so much all in such a short time.  We are happy to move past 2011, and hope for a better fate in 2012, but are saddened to walk further and further away for the time that we did have with our sweet children, Savannah and Charlie. 
With 2012 comes new hopes, dreams, wishes, and goals.  We are looking forward to another journey, and are so incredibly thankful for our wonderful friends and family who have treated us so amazingly well through this last year.  We have been blessed so richly in that department.  We have chosen our friends wisely, but my family, well, that was just pure luck to have been born into such a loving, generous, and kind place.
We have been interviewing attorneys, for both Aaron and I, and for Lady L and her family.  We have been looking into taking a life insurance policy out on Lady L, but I guess we aren't actually able to do that until after she becomes pregnant.  Of course we are doing the best we can to set aside some money, as this is going to be another HUGE investment for us, but we know all will be worth it one sweet day.  In just over a week, the 4 of us will go to the Mayo Clinic for our "Surrogacy Consultation" in the morning, followed by some blood tests for communicable diseases, and we should end our day with our psych evaluations.  Please keep us in your prayers that all goes well with this.  It seems a bit silly to type this, as I am still not ready to share this blog with anybody yet.  Maybe somehow you will get the vibe that we need a few extra prayers, and will toss a few our way, lol.  I was hoping that by now I would feel ready to share this, but I guess I have become a little guarded about this.  I hope that it passes soon, so that you can all join in our excitement.
xoxo

Cautioiusly Optimistic

Last night, Lady L and I met with a woman who had been a gestational carrier for her friend, and had a wonderful time.  The carrier shared her story (which was a great story by the way) with us, and talked about how the process moved along for them.  Aaron and I are getting more and more excited about this by the second, and Aaron's engineer mind has been generating a plethora of ideas about this.  Of course, we are proceeding with caution, and are terrified of being devastated again, but are very cautiously optimistic:)  Bring it, 2012!

Shameless

On November 9th, 2.5 weeks ago, I did something fairly obnoxious.  I posted a note on my facebook wall that Aaron and I were looking to find a gestational carrier, and that if anybody knew of someone who had ever expressed interest, to send them our way.  Amazingly, there were several wonderful, unselfish, beautiful women who came forward showing interest.  The one that sent me a message right away was a relative of mine.  She has two beautiful children, and has been interested in becoming a surrogate for some time.  She had filled out an application for an agency, but wanted to tie a few loose ends up before comitting to become a surrogate, and was getting close to sending in her app.  Then she saw my facebook note, and couldn't believe it. She loved being pregnant, and said that if the situation were reversed, she hoped that somebody would be able to help her out.  She went to have a physical within a few days, and was given a clean bill of health:) 
Since then, we have been trying to figure out what in the heck we are supposed to do to get this ball rolling.  Since I have not asked her how comfortable she is with me announcing her identity to everybody, I will refer to her as "Lady L."  She has been an angel to start this journey with, as she has probably done more research on this than we have. 
There are a few random issues to figure out, like health insurance, contract/attorneys, life insurance, etc.  However, all 4 of us have an appointment set up for January 4th for a "gestational carrier consult" with the Mayo Clinic.  I know that after that, we will each have to pass a psych eval, and then I believe Lady L will have to go in for the injections training, mock transfer, etc.  So, even though January 4th seems like forever away, it does give us some time to figure out all of the other housekeeping items.  We don't have a specific timeline in play, but to keep my own sanity, I am imagining a late spring-ish transfer.  I don't know if that's realisic or not, but that's my plan:)
On a side note, I am so glad that we have the ball rolling on this.  Today was actually our full term due date with Savannah and Charlie, and knowing that we may have another opportunity makes today slightly less miserable. 
Although I think it's ridiculous that we still haven't heard whether or not we have been accepted to work with our adoption agency, we do know that God works in mysterious ways.  Aaron and I have talked about how it just may be a blessing in disguise, as if we had been accepted with the adoption agency, we would have wanted to start the home study right away, and would not have put that note on my facebook.  We still think that adoption is a fantastic way to become parents, and know that we may choose to pursue adopting again someday.
We are still praying for patience, but we are much more calm, as we know some of the steps that are ahead for us.  We pray for our miracle to happen, however unconventional it may be.  Neither Aaron nor myself have ever been super traditional, and are not about to start now, lol.  We have lived our lives as if they were an open book lately,  and we will continue to do so.  Shamelessly and thankfully.

Surrogacy

Well, our change of heart was definite!  I was very saddened as I was reading others' blogs about infertility and adoption.  It just doesn't make sense for us to adopt, take the chance for another family away, when we have 4 frozen embryos being stored right now.   We had intended to donate them to other couples, but it seems like the stars are not aligned for our adoption journey after all...  So, we are planning a surrogacy journey.  Not sure when, how, etc., but we'll get there. 

Day 38

I think we have had a change of heart.  I will have to change the title of this blog to Heidi and Aaron's Journey.  We still have not heard back from the agency, and I handed in our application 5.5 weeks ago. 
I could deal with the wait, and so could Aaron, but we are struggling with something else.  There are some people who have been waiting for over 7 years to adopt their first child.  These people don't have other options, such as finding a gestational carrier.  Aaron and I know how heartbreaking the wait to become parents is, and there are people who have been waiting, hoping, and praying for much longer than us.  If we were to adopt a child, that is a child that can't be adopted by another couple.  We have four healthy frozen embryos that we are currently storing.  If we don't attempt to use them now, when will we?

Day 33

Still no news.  No email, no mail, no phone call, no fax, no anything.  Ugh.

Day 30

Well, it was officially 4 weeks ago yesterday that I hand delivered our application.  I am losing faith by the second.  The only thing that I can compare this to is the 10 day wait, ladies, to find out if you are pregnant or not.  I am quite familiar with the 10 day wait...  Now, triple that.  And then at least triple the 9 months of waiting to meet you child.  That is what we are facing, which we would be so excited about, if the ball were actually rolling.  It feels like we are at a standstill, and I am frustrated with that.  We have talked to other people who said they heard back within 5 days of applying, and started the homestudy within two weeks.  Maybe this path was not meant to be after all?  Am I missing something here???
We continue to pray for patience, and hope to hear back soon.

Day 21

AAAAARGH- still no word whether we have been accepted or not.  Last Friday we got a letter in the mail that stated that they recieved our application and would let us know when they heard back from our doctor and our priest.  Scary that these two references are so huge.  So, we sit, and we wait.  Just as we have done for the last four and a half years.  If the wait to get started is this stressful for us, I can't imagine how the next four years will go.  Pray for us, please!

Day 14

Well, we have not heard anything back yet.  I am hoping this is not a bad sign.  Of course, this long wait has me second guessing our decision, and turning the anxiety on again.  Ugh, how will I ever make it through a 6 month interview, and a 3-4 year wait?  What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?  I am seriously hoping for the latter!  Aaron and I have been keeping busy with a lot of things, which makes this wait a little less frustrating.  I think during the next 3-4 years, we will continue to be very busy people!  Passing the time is much better with hobbies, goals, and activities.  Now that it's getting colder outside, we will start going to the YMCA more often, and going for fewer walks.  My fingers are crossed to hear from our social worker in the next few days:)

Day 2

Alright, I know I promised to try to be a patient human being, and I will be soon enough.  In the meantime, I have been a researching maniac, trying to decide if there is anything we should be doing before our home study process begins.  I am hoping to hear back from our Social Worker within two weeks.  If we haven't heard anything by the end of the month, I will probably call to see if we missed anything in our packet. 
The application itself was not terribly difficult, but it was time consuming, as we had to describe in detail our life history.  The home study will be the more difficult process.  We will have to describe in detail our parenting philosophy, our extended families' backgrounds, our upbringings and relationships we have with our siblings, parents, friends, and coworkers.  As excited as I am to begin this journey, I know there will be moments of stress for both Aaron and I.  We will also have a lot of training courses to attend.  While we look forward to the adventure, we are a big ball of nerves right now!
If I was a nail biter, they'd be down to the bone, lol:)

The Ball is Rolling!

Even though I don't plan to invite anybody to view this for quite some time, today was a momentous day for us, and it should be documented.  We completed and turned in our application to be considered for adoption to the adoption agency that we thought was the best match for us.  I am feeling about ten thousand emotions as I consider how huge of a step this was for us.  First, we are so excited to embark on this journey.  We are not disillusioned into believing this will be an easy, fast, or uncomplicated path, but we are so excited to see how it all unfolds.  We are anxious to begin the next steps, which will be to complete a home study after we pass the state required background checks, and the references required by our agency.  And part of us will always be heartbroken, as we start this new chapter, we are reminded of the miracles that were ours for too short of a time, our sweet twins, Savannah and Charlie.  We remember how close we were to having all of our dreams come true, and how very quickly things changed for us.  While we will never understand why they weren't here to stay, we appreciate the time we spent with them, and are thankful that they left together, and will have each other for eternity.  Our dreams have changed, and our plan has changed, but the outcome hasn't.  Our goal has been to become parents, and there are more children in store for us.  We are thrilled to prepare for our future children, and can't wait to begin the next portion of the process.  Tonight, while saying our bedtime prayers, we will continue to include patience for ourselves, and we will also pray that we don't drive our social worker crazy as we are so eager to begin:)