A Rant on Parenting

I am not sure this is exactly the right place to exhibit this, but, then again, where is the appropriate place for an educated redneck to throw a good old fashioned hissy fit, lol?

So many people have asked me lately what I think should be done about violence in schools, and I assume they expect me to be able to give a very simple answer, like “teachers should carry guns, hire more security,” etc. (by the way, I disagree with both of those statements, just giving an example.)  I believe people ask me so often because I am a second grade teacher, not because of my brilliance, amazing ideas, or my amazing way with words, but I’m going to give it a shot.  Note: this might become a rather long rant.  If you choose to continue, go to the bathroom, and grab some popcorn. 

I should also let you know that these opinions are solely mine, and have no reflection on my employer.

I do not think that guns should be in schools.  Period.  I am not anti-gun, in fact I am the opposite.  I like to shoot off guns, and wish I had the chance to do it more often.  I enjoy shooting cardboard targets, clay pigeons, and I imagine that I would truly love to shoot as many video gaming systems as I could.  In no way, shape or form would I carry a gun while teaching.   If it ever comes to that, I’ll leave the profession.

Parents are every child’s first teacher.  Parenting is leading both by example and by effort.  Kids learn so many things just by watching their parents, including habits, morals, work ethic, and priorities.  Kids watch and absorb so much of what you do when you don’t see them looking or listening.  I know that you get exhausted.  I know you need a break from your kiddos. I know that they are overwhelming, and sometimes maddening, and that you need some time away from them.  However, when you need a break from them, from the noise, the questions, the fighting, the tattling, don’t send them to the electronic babysitter (aka the video game system) for unlimited amounts of time.   If you choose to allow a gaming system into your home (which is your choice by the way, you don’t HAVE to have one) use it as a reward for positive behavior.  Use it as a parenting tool that kids can enjoy when they have met all of their expectations in school and at home.  And join them when they are playing.  Don’t allow them to play inappropriate games that involve stealing cars, blowing up buildings, and shooting people.  Set a timer, and give them a 3 or 5 minute warning so they know when they need to put the game away.  If they get bent out of shape because they “die” in the game or lose the game, revoke their privileges for a few days and have discussions with them about their emotions, and talk about strategies to deal with their frustration.

There are so many better things you can do to take a break from the craziness surrounding your kiddos.  Instead of having unlimited video game time, have a timed “reading extravaganza” in your living room.  Let them stretch out and read a book while you do the same.  And read.  If your child is too young to read, read to them, or let them pretend they are reading while you actually read your own book.  If they disturb you while you are reading, let them know how many minutes are left, and continue on.  Do an exercise video together.  This is a fantastic way to squeeze in some physical activity, and to relieve stress,  and teach your son or daughter to do the same.  Here in Minnesota, there are times that it’s too cold to get outside and play, and a quick work out viddy is a perfect way to get that blood flowing.   

When you are taking car rides, don’t immediately give them a video game, your cell phone, or a movie to watch.  Talk about what you did when you were their age.  Tell them how school was different, and what activities and games you enjoyed.  I can almost guarantee if you tell them how much fun you had playing “Clue” they will be SO eager to play it with you.  Quiz them on their math facts, practice counting, practice spelling things out.  Do some role playing activities to teach them good responses to different situations.  Kiddos are like little sponges, and want to soak up so much information.  You just have to give it to them. 

Play games with them.  Play board games, outdoor games, make believe games, and puzzles.   Your child will remember these things.  They will have very vivid memories of them, and will pass these things along to their children.  It would be so much fun to tell your own child “In 4^th grade, my dad and I worked on a puzzle of an airplane for 3 weeks almost every night.”   Not as much fun would be “I played a video game every night by myself.” 

As parents, we make sacrifices.  Kids learn priorities when they see the sacrifices you make every day.  Don’t put them on the couch in front of the tv for two hours a night so you can talk to your best friend on the phone or lurk on facebook.  Spend time with your child.  Your life will not be affected much by knowing what everybody is up to, but your child’s life may be affected by seeing that they are in the way of your social life.  I know I am going to get in some hot water for this, but show them some financial responsibility.  Don’t have money to put your son in little league?  Then don’t buy three Coach purses.  If you can’t afford to feed your child, and get assistance from WIC, then don’t get your nails done, don’t go tanning, and don’t buy cigarettes.  If you do, you are teaching your child, your own flesh and blood that feeding them, giving them the physical nutrition they need, is less important to you than looking pretty, and pampering yourself.  If you can’t insure your child, don’t go on extravagant vacations.  People feel so incredibly entitled to lavish things these days, and I am not really sure why.  People say “I have worked hard, I deserve to have a new pair of LV boots.”  Really?  How hard have you really worked?  Do you deserve the boots more than your child deserves to take swimming lessons?  You have to show your children by example what it means to be a contributing member of society if you expect them to become contributing members of society.

If your kid’s teacher calls home with concerns, listen to them.  Choose to agree or disagree, but hear them.  If your child has done something awful at school, give them a consequence at home, even if one was already given at school. 

Don’t name call other people if you expect them not to name call.  Don’t gossip if you expect them to be drama free.  Choose what behaviors you think are consequence worthy, and give them consequences.   This is different for everybody.  Honestly, if my own kids choose to use swear words as a coping mechanism for dealing with pain or frustration, I will not punish them.  However, if they make fun of other children, or try to hurt someone’s feelings… They are going to have several, awful days to think about making better choices.  If I ever see or hear my child making fun of a person with special needs, I will whip her ass, followed by several, awful days to think about making better choices. 

Tell your child you love them.  Tell them every day, even when you may not like them very much.  When they are feeling left out because they weren’t invited to a party, have a party for your family at home in his or her honor.  When your daughter is 13 and convinced that she is obese, tell her how beautiful, inside and out, she is, and how happy and proud you are to be her parent.  Let your children know, that in this world, the one certainty you have, is that you will love them forever.  Remind them throughout their lives, that they are good, they are loved, and they are important. 

I know some will criticize me, and remind me that it’s not fair to make judgments as I have lived a fairly privileged lifestyle myself, and because my daughter is only 5 weeks old, and you are right.  You are.  My parents worked very hard their entire lives, not so they could go tanning and buy nice things, but so that they could provide a better life for their children than had.  And we were absolutely given opportunities.  Although I have never been to Disneyland or Disneyworld, I was in as many extracurricular activities as I chose, skied every winter, and vacationed for about 5 days each summer with my parents and siblings.  I know that not every family can financially offer what I was offered.  However, my parents bought us all clothes from clearance racks and garage sales, clipped coupons, and went without many things they would have enjoyed, just so that we could have opportunities.  I had a college savings account, but never my “own” car growing up.  In fact, the first car I was able to drive was older than me.  We never had luxuries like cable tv, and my mom hung a lot of our clothes on the line to save money and energy.  When something broke, they fixed it, instead of buying a new one.  Because of my upbringing, I will not sacrifice my daughter’s college fund so that she can wear the trendiest clothes all of the time.  Maybe once in a while though- I do admit to having a slight vain bone in my body… however, I will never spend beyond our means, and will chose wisely with her.  I probably don’t have as much parenting experience as you do, but I have worked with kids for over 13 years.  I have 30 second graders in my class, and I know how exhausting kids can be.  I also know how imaginative, how amazing, and how wonderful children are.  I know that every child is a blessing, every single child, regardless of their abilities and any special needs they may have. 

Finally, I know you might think I got WAY off topic here with the “violence in schools” subject that I introduced at the very beginning of this rant.  But, here’s the thing: if all parents treated their children like this, I firmly believe that there would not be nearly as much violence in schools.  Kids would feel loved, feel secure, and there would be so much less anger and hate in their minds.  I know that mental illness is very, very real, and is often a cause of school violence.  If your child is showing signs of mental illness, then you should ask for help immediately.  If you aren’t sure who to ask, start with your family doctor.  Find a mental health professional, and let your child know that they need to talk with this person to help them.  Do NOT use this as a punishment or consequence, (I can’t tell you how many times I have heard parents tell their child “You better shape up or I’m taking you to Generose”) but out of love.  Tell them you love them, and you care about them so much, and you are never going to stop loving them.  Show them you enjoy them, simply by spending time with them.  Your time is a much greater gift than anything you can buy your child. 

Now that I have finished my rant, which I know will come across much more like advice than I intended it to, feel free to totally ignore, pass along, or print and burn this.  I know I am opinionated to a fault when it comes to children, and I apologize if I have hurt anyone’s feelings.  I hope you take this at face value as I am not a human behavior expert.  I am just a person, just a mom, hoping that my daughter and future children can one day go to school without fear.  I hope that one day we can turn on the news and not cry because of the sadness and cruelties in the world.  Lastly, I hope that one day we can give our children better than we had.